What does the other person want?

There are two of you having sex, so take the other person’s wishes and boundaries into account as well as your own.    

How do you know their boundaries?

1. Recognize positive and negative signals

Negative signals

  • They don’t kiss you back.
  • They turn away from you or avoid contact with you.
  • They keep coming up with reasons not to have sex.
  • You always take the initiative; the other person rarely or never does.
  • When you’re having sex, they don’t seem to enjoy it (don’t make many noises, don’t breathe heavily, she doesn’t get moist, or he has difficulty getting an erection).

Positive signals

  • They seek eye contact with you and flirt with you.
  • They often touch you spontaneously.
  • They initiate sex, try to seduce you.
  • The other person clearly enjoys having sex with you (makes noises, breathes heavily, gets excited: a girl gets moist, or a boy has an erection).

2. Ask for clarity!

Positive and negative signals are no guarantee. Always check with the other person if they really mean yes or no. Or just ask: do you want to have sex with me? And when you’re together in bed ask: what do you feel like doing now? What turns you on?

3. From yes to no: pay attention

Pay attention, signals can change, a ‘yes’ can turn into a ‘no’. 

For example

  • the other person can start off wanting to kiss and have sex but change their mind in the moment.
  • Or they want to kiss, but not all the time.