The boundaries check
Did a situation overstep your boundaries?
Are you questioning whether what happened was all right? Do the boundaries check below to find out.
Which statement matches what happened? Choose either left or right
|I feel like having sex was my choice||<Statement 1 >||I feel like having sex wasn’t my choice|
|Expressing what I wanted didn’t make things uncomfortable||<Statement 2 >||Expressing what I wanted made things uncomfortable|
|My partner and I had an equal say in what happened||<Statement 3 >||My partner had more say than I did in what happened|
|I feel like I was old enough for what happened||<Statement 4>||I feel like I was too young for what happened|
|I feel like it happened in an appropriate place or environment||<Statement 5 >||I don’t think it was appropriate to have sex in that place or environment|
|I feel happy with what happened||<Statement 6>||I feel sad and/or undervalued by what happened|
What did you answer?
6 answers in the left column?
1 or more in the right column?
- Were all your 6 statements on the left-hand side?
Then everything’s fine.
- Was one or more of your statements on the right-hand side?
Then you have to make sure the situation changes, because it’s not good for you. This is sexual behaviors that makes you feel sad and/or undervalued, or that you’re just not ready for.
Know what you want
Do you know what you do and don’t want when it comes to kissing and sex? The more you’re aware of that, the easier it is to make it clear in the moment. Think about what you want in advance, so you don’t have to on the spot. For example, decide beforehand if you want to kiss on the first date or whether you want someone’s hands all over you. Go through different scenarios in your mind about what you would feel comfortable with; then decide on your boundaries.
Be clear from the start
The sooner you make it clear to the other person what you do and don’t want, the better. “Let’s chill at my place” can mean all kinds of things. If you only want to watch a movie at someone’s house, then say so from the start.
Don’t promise anything in advance
If you’re going to meet up with someone, don’t promise anything to the person beforehand. For example, don’t agree in advance that you’re going to kiss. You can’t possibly know ahead of time if you’re going to want to. It is better to decide in the moment what you feel comfortable with based on your boundaries.
You are allowed to change your mind
Sometimes you might feel like kissing and other times you won’t feel like it. There’s nothing wrong with that. If you thought you were ready for sex, but then decided to wait, that’s perfectly fine too. Don’t allow someone to force you based on what you might have said before.
Agreeing to one thing doesn’t mean agreeing to anything else
Sometimes you want to kiss, but don’t want to be touched intimately. Sometimes you want to dance with someone at a party, but don’t want to go home with him or her. This is completely normal. Be clear about it and tell the other person. Don’t pretend you want something, when you don’t.
Talk about sex
Talk openly about sex with your partner. Discuss what you do and don’t like doing, both before, during and after sex.